If you’re sensible, you’ve noticed by now that there are many things that make me mad. However, I believe that unless you have a sick amount of talent, a zine filled with nothing but bitching and moaning would be dull and ineffective. Thus, I have decided to spare you the burden of listening to me rant endlessly by doing what any responsible zine maker seeking to take up space would do. For your reading pleasure, I have compiled a condensed list of stuff that makes me bitter: namely stupid things, stupid ideas and stupid people. Unfortunately, you might recognize quite a few of the items.
@. Classified ads placed by morons. In a recent issue of the mediocre free weekly NY Press, a “Situation Wanted” ad requested a “travel companion” and translator to guide a Moscow excursion with “men up to 60 for trip to meet young beautiful women & more.” Ick, I thought, more gross old codgers seeking desperate young women in the third world. I turned the page and strangely enough, there’s another ad under “Models Wanted”: “fiction writer will teach interested females how to write” short stories and such. It then reads, “can also teach you Russian in exchange for your passion to learn ... would like to learn Spanish but not a must.” Of course, it’s completely free of charge and non-smokers are preferred. How incredibly sad. Not only is this imbecile’s scheme completely transparent (simultaneously teaching Russian, “learning Spanish” and giving writing lessons—to models?), but this fucker nonchalantly gave out the same phone number for both the model writing program and the Russian sex business (718-604-0975 if you’re feeling audacious). I’m not trying to be the moral guardian here, but if you’re going to run a goddamn prostitution ring, at least put as much brains into it as balls.
#. Bob Dole lecturing America on erectile dysfunction. My god, what is the world coming to? Fuck you to whichever major television network decided that this wrinkled, over-the-hill politician proclaiming that he can’t get it up was worth thirty seconds of prime time. As if we didn’t already know that he’s about as impotent physically as he is politically.
%. People who still think that there’s a significant ideological difference between Democrats and Republicans.
&. The media, which just can’t get enough of the Kennedys and insisted on playing up the idiotically tragic death of a regular guy as some pivotal event in history. Meanwhile, subjects that get virtually no coverage whatsoever include:
• The Iraqi sanctions that have been impoverishing and killing tens of thousands of civilians for almost a decade, including horrific numbers of children, even as America pats itself on the back for championing “humanitarian interests” by royally fouling up the Balkans and berating the human rights policies of developing nations.
• Our prison system, fed by a criminal justice system that targets minorities and the urban poor, as it continues to brutalize people, fill inmates with rage (that will in many cases be taken out on society once they are free), disenfranchise youth, and rapidly overcrowd.
• The egregious failure of the INS to protect the civil liberties of illegal immigrants while enforcing an immigration policy that sanctions incarceration, gross mistreatment and inhumane living conditions. Yes, illegal immigrants are essentially breaking the law, but a little something called the Bill of Rights provides that even illegal aliens are entitled to a certain amount of freedom once they set foot on American soil. (Learn more about legislation currently circulating through Congress that would repeal the most reactionary anti-immigration measures).
~!. Various teenybopper fuckheads like Britney “I’m-underaged-but-tantalising” Spears, ‘Nsync and others who make Vanilla Ice look original by displaying little to no talent and using lots of skillful marketing to attract horny suburbanites with fat wallets and few brain cells.
*$. Woodstock ‘99, the most insipid, generic, wasteful exhibition of how “counterculture” has gone from dumb mainstream dross to even dumber, even more mainstream dross. Gone are the trendily peace-loving tree-huggers of the ‘60s. Here come a bunch of worthless, frat boy-like turds that like to beleaguer female performers with cries of “Show us your tits!” Yeah. Nice piercing. Very rebellious. The event ended in a large riot, which was equally contrived and unentertaining. A fitting finale to an epitome of the cultural vacuum that is the generation most deserving to be disowned by the human race.
And last but not least . . . hypocrites who complain about the flaws of others while ignoring the fact that everyone is stupid not just sometimes, but constantly. For instance, in only the past month, I have:
• Picked at various scabs until they bled, waited for them to start to heal, and then continued to pick them.
• Mistaken a ceramic kitten lawn ornament from afar for “a cute little kitty,” and would have pet it had other people around me not burst into fits of derisive laughter.
• Defying laws of physics with my vulgarity, picked my nose and played the piano simultaneously.
Ah. That was refreshing. You should try it some time, really. Now, go back to Cain for more glaring optimism.